Final boarding call...

2004-09-14, 10:29 a.m.

Ah, I'm taking time out from packing, registering phone lines, loan applications and TV licences to write a little...

Being in between diaries is shitty. I don't want to take any baggage from this diary to the next, so what do I do when an ex boyfriend rears his ugly head?

Jamie and I have been in touch for a while, we make the odd phonecall just to catch up; flirt a little, joke around... it's really just as friends, but we always talk about the good times and it gets a little heart-wrenching.

This morning, I was lying in bed and Lee was getting dressed when my mobile made the message tone. It was Jamie - 'Could do with some love. xx' Cheeky, I thought, to expect me to be at his beck and call, especially at 8.30am. But kinda strange. I'd been thinking of him when I fell asleep, thinking that I could do with some Jamie love. Strange that I should wake up to that txt.

I told Lee it was my Mom and ignored it, until later. I replied - 'That was very forward of u... but then if you don't ask, you don't get. How are you anyway?'

Jamie: 'I'm fine, how was your holiday? And how about some love miss sexy annabella?'
Me: 'Holiday was great, tell you when I see you. Depends what kind of love you're on about... you know I always love you.'
Jamie: 'Just cuddles and kisses. I'll always love you too. We'll get together soon. xx'

See, heart wrenching. I'm not a fool any more. I used to crave any kind of contact with him - I used to call him up even though I knew I'd get voicemail, just to hear the sound of his voice. I used to drive past his house even when I knew he wasn't home. I used to let him use me for nights, weekends; I'd fit in around his schedule and put up with it even though I knew I was never first place.

Now the tables have turned a little; I've moved on, and he calls me now as much as I call him. He makes more moves than I do now, I guess. I worked out long ago that I do love Jamie. Not blindly like I used to; the point is that I know all his faults and can read him like a book, but I still love him.

I'm not holding any hopes of a reconcilliation. I don't want us to get back together. It would never work out. He'll always be the one that got away. I just need to see him one last time to tie up all the loose ends. Somewhere along the line, we could have made a real good shot at it. If things had worked out right, we could have been the perfect couple.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. There's nothing I can do to turn back time. Knowing he feels the same as me is painful. Nobody will ever love him like I did.

More vintage Bixhortie...
Here's some pure, unadulterated heartbreak: Wanting To Be His Baby
The point where things started to change - my first time out with Rach. Fond memories here, of meeting all of my now best friends for the first time. Clique
Looking back seems so surreal... tattooed, blowing money and doing lots of coke... Just Another Predictable Saturday Entry?
Oh, what a night... Bye Bye, Bambu
Thanks, Anno. You stirred my emotion. I love this entry. My Dusty Rose
Ha! Self analysis! Counting Faults and Blessings
Introducing Mr. Perfect himself... Jamie

bend - over